Bats beat bishops

There’s a rather big problem here in the UK at the moment. Churches are being taken over by bats. Because bats are protected, they can’t be removed from the churches. Because churches are big open areas (like caves) the bats just move in.

Bats are a bit like seagulls; they really don’t care what (or who) they poo on. Subsequently, the church wardens have a bit of a problem with every surface in the church being covered with bat droppings. One church in Norfolk has to put out sheets every night (over everything) and then remove them in the morning to clean off the bat poo, ready for the next night.

It sounds comical but it really is a big problem. And the churches are going to a higher power to ask that something be done. If you ask me, they’re appealing to the wrong power.

They’ve put their concerns in the hands of Environment Minister Richard Benyon. Poor Richard, however, has to wrestle with the complexity of the European Habitats Directive and the hard hearted folks at the Bat Conservation Trust. One of the things they have found is that special bat flaps for stained glass windows cost £140 each, which is equal to a month’s takings in church.

I think this is ridiculous. It’s all too fussy and prolonged. They need something with a bit more direct action. And, of course, the money could be used for more important things (wafers, wine, gin, etc).

What amazes me is that they have the option right there in front of them and they’re just ignoring it. There is a lot of evidence that proves how well prayer works. You get enough people to make a request of god and, like a petition to the government, if enough people want it, it happens. I know this is true because I’ve read it on the Internet. There is just too many people who assert it works for it not to be so.

Also, just a few days ago, I wrote about the Elle Ministry who prayed for enough money to buy their first stately home and managed, with £6 to spare. Surely this proves that god wants his believers to have really nice places to hang out and not some bat infested cave. To date, they have managed to pray for and receive five stately homes. Obviously the more stately homes you have, the greater the power of prayer. (Maybe god’s just gone off churches…)

Now, I realise that god isn’t going to grant any ‘wishes’, like winning the lottery or punishing someone who stole your lunch money that time. However, when it comes to something that god created (like bats) and a building that was built to glorify and worship the same god, then you’d think you’d be in with a chance.

According to the Anglican Church website, 1.7 million people regularly attend church services. Surely if all of them were to pray for the eradication of bats from churches, god would have to hear and act. But what do the religious authorities do? They just go straight to the politicians and moan about EU Directives.

If you ask me, it doesn’t say a whole lot about their faith or their belief in the power of prayer. Maybe their mysterious god has a wicked sense of humour. He could be chuckling every time a bit of bat poo lands, splat on the head of one of his congregation.

In case anyone reading this is unable to read sarcasm, let me assure you that I know how ridiculous prayer is. That was made very clear last night when Italy beat England 2-1 in their first game in Brazil.