All’s fair at the funeral

I had a Talking Newspaper today; the Alton shift…the late one. I was very tired (following last night’s late date night), which meant I didn’t have the same sort of energy as usual. Which is a shame. Still…

My team was competent, awake and made less mistakes than I did. Actually, I can’t remember them making any, though Di did sneeze rather explosively into her microphone at one point.

My biggest mistake was right at the beginning. Presenters have a preamble that is recorded on every edition. We announce the edition number and what papers we are reading from. The readers and engineer are then introduced followed by any special announcements. Then there’s a list of tracks and what they contain in case the listener wishes to listen to anything specific.

Finally the presenter reads out the headlines before the readers read them. All of this is done in one go and takes about five minutes.

I was happily nattering away in my lazy style when I said “This week’s headlines are…oh bugger! I forgot to write down the headlines! Sorry, Paul, can I stop there, please. I’m an idiot.“

There was then a frantic rush to write down all their headlines while Paul found the place before I said “This week’s headlines are…” so I could continue as if nothing had happened.

Other than a few silly fluffs, this was the only big mistake and all was going well until Di read a story about an upcoming Funeral Fair in Alton.

I don’t know why but the idea of a fair, specifically designed for people to look at coffins, urns and Funeral Directors, had us in stitches. Poor Di was valiantly trying to keep a straight face – I watched her face screw up every now and then.

Okay, it’s not really funny but we all found it hilarious. And, of course, I had to refer back to it at every opportunity. Though, I did resist the urge to mention it after the births and deaths.

Actually, it occurred to me today, reading the births and deaths, that everyone ‘…passed away peacefully…’ as far as the newspaper is concerned. As I told the readers, when Mirinda writes my death notice, I want her to write that I ‘…passed away kicking and screaming…’. It’ll be a pity I won’t get to hear it read out, though.

Anyway, all was soon satisfactorily read, and we finished well ahead of time, something that made Sue very happy because she was off to see The Mousetrap tonight and didn’t want to leave too late. She thanked me prodigiously.