A while ago, I had a strange pain in my lower abdomen. One of those pains normally associated with the result of eating something that would have preferred to stay on the outside of your body and is fighting to get out again. Generally, these sorts of pains tend to go away with normal evacuation and you just think yourself lucky you don’t live in the 15th century when I’m sure it happened a lot more often with far worse outcomes.
As I said, these pains usually go pretty quickly but in the case of this particular one, it hung around for a bit. I was a bit concerned as a result of watching too many stories on Breakfast about men of my age having strange abdominal things and doing nothing about it then finding out it was something horribly terminal. So, after three days, I made a appointment with my GP.
My GP (or rather the one that was available because I rarely see mine) had a poke around and, not finding anything, decided I needed to be referred to a higher authority. I was duly given an appointment for a few weeks hence. In the meanwhilst, the abdominal pain decided to up sticks and leave.
The day arrived for me to visit the Frimley outpost, downstairs in the medical place at Aldershot. What a joy! A short walk from the town centre and just a bus ride away. The hospital is even quite pleasant to visit even though where I had to go was down in the dungeons.
In Aldershot I saw the very nice Miss Taylor. She spent some time during her training in Adelaide so we discussed Australia for quite a bit, throwing Kath & Kim quotes liberally around her consulting room, leaving the nurse somewhat bemused.
Anyway, Fiona (for that is Miss Taylor’s name) had a more robust poke around and even used a small magnifying eyeglass thing to have a look just inside. She was satisfied that it looked ok but wanted to be sure, given my age, and so referred me to the authority above her – the endoscopy department at Frimley Park. She also gave me a box containing two sachets of very explosive powder, saying I had to take them in accordance to a leaflet she also gave me.
And so I was to have a colonoscopy. For those that don’t know, this is when they push a very small camera up into your colon to have a jolly good look. Naturally I was curious though it’s fair to say, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.
Well, today was the day so it was off to Frimley Park Hospital for the procedure. But first there were the two sachets to be taken.
The sachets contained a super laxative called Picolax. You have to take it in order to completely clear yourself out. You also have to go without food for about 24 hours. Fiona warned me to be in range of a toilet when I took it as the sudden desire to explode could come at any time with little warning and possibly disastrous results.
I had to start taking it yesterday afternoon so I stopped eating after breakfast and started drinking an awful lot of liquid. At 2pm I mixed the stuff up and drank it.
I was actually dreading the drinking as the leaflet suggests, for those finding it difficult to drink, that sipping it slowly with a straw may help. I assumed this meant it was going to taste foul. If this was the case, there was no way I was going to prolong it. I was chucking it down in one go, regardless of the taste. As it turned out, it was like an antacid with a faint lemon taste. It wasn’t that bad at all. And then I waited.
And waited.
And waited.

This stuff is lethal!
Eventually the wait ended. Fiona was right. The sudden urge, the sudden dash, and the equally sudden explosion. I am so glad there was no-one but poodles in the house. That makes it sound like I didn’t get to the toilet in time but I did…just.
I had taken the precaution of placing my book next to the downstairs loo, knowing I may be spending a bit of time in there. This was a stroke of genius. I managed to read quite a lot of Dirk Gently yesterday afternoon, evening and night.
As the night drew in without much let up of regular stirrings and subsequent readings, I was worried about when I’d be going to bed. I gave myself an hour after my last visit to the toilet as a safe cut-off. I was not at all sure I could make it to the loo from the bed if the stuff attacked in the night.
I eventually went to bed just before 11 and while I didn’t sleep very well, the toilet remained undisturbed. But then came the second sachet.
This one has to be taken on the morning of the afternoon procedure. I knocked it back at 7:30 and was on the toilet by 8. I was surprised there was anything left but there was (the body must keep a lot back for later deposition, I guess) and I read an awful lot more of Dirk Gently as I waited for the taxi to arrive to take me to the hospital.
One good thing about taking the Picolax is the fact that you can still drink coffee (as long as you don’t have milk in it) so I was at least awake.
I arrived and checked in at the endoscopy department and then settled down in the remarkably comfortable chairs of the waiting room. There was a lot of waiting involved in the entire time I was there and I won’t bore you with it all…it’s pretty reasonable to assume there was waiting between everything else I went through.
Obviously there was a lot of form filling and general health questions answered but eventually I found myself in a hospital gown lying on my side on a hospital gurney, surrounded by four doctors and nurses, all very nice and chatty and excellent at putting nervous patients at ease.
The equipment is, as you’d expect, very high tech and very impressive. The doctors took me through everything that was going to happen, stunned that I didn’t want sedation.
Way back with Fiona Taylor, I was offered sedation. Apparently you can have it if you want but it isn’t necessary if you can take a bit of discomfort. It makes it easier to get home without it. If you take the sedation option, you have to have someone there to help you home. Being me, I didn’t want the sedation.
I mean, how bad could it be? Pretty bloody bad, actually.
Apparently I have something called diverticulosis. This is quite common, particularly here in the affluent west, and isn’t cause for any alarm…unless you want to push a camera into someone’s colon who has it.
In simple terms, and borrowing an excellent analogy from the NHS, diverticulosis is when the inner lining of the colon bulges out of the outer layer similar to the way that an inner tube of a bicycle tyre would bulge out of holes in the rubber tyre. Scientists believe this is caused by a lack of fibre in western diets. You can read more about it here.
Anyway, the problem with diverticulosis is the fact that it creates lots of little dead ends along the colon, making it quite difficult to navigate through with the colonoscopy camera. This, in turn, makes it very unpleasant for the owner of the colon if they have refused sedation.
There was a time, during the insertion, when I was seriously preparing to tell them, in no uncertain and purely Anglo-Saxon terms, to stop immediately and give me some drugs. It was at this point that the second doctor (who had been navigating) pushed on my stomach, making the pain bearable.
“Is that better, Mr Cook?” She asked.
“Yes. And please call me Gary,” I replied with gratitude and repetition, given I’d asked her to do this on a number of occasions already.
After that, it was pretty much clear sailing, if you ignore the number of times I had to turn over, change sides and generally move around the camera rather than them move it around me.
Amazingly, you can watch it all on a big colour flat screen TV – blurry in my case as I didn’t have my glasses on. Though, after a while it all becomes a bit gross so I stopped watching.
And then, finally, it was over and I was wheeled into recovery where the previous patients were all lying down as if they were new residents of the mortuary. Clearly they’d all been smart and taken the sedation.
It was then just a case of getting dressed and getting home. Easy enough, given the amount of times I’ve travelled in and out of Frimley except for one thing that remained inside of me.
During the procedure, they blow little bursts of air inside you in order to open up the smaller places. I didn’t notice it at the time (though I’d been warned) but was told by the nurse who discharged me that I might feel a bit bloated but walking around should fix it. Well, bollocks to her!
It was like having really bad flatulence while suffering from diarrhoea. You really need to let it out but you’re afraid it’s not going to be just air when you do.
Of course, there’s no toilet at Frimley station so I had to wait 28 minutes for the train, suffering. It was with great relief that the toilet actually worked, had a seat and was clean. An amazing feeling of relief sweep through me. It lasted as far as Aldershot, as I waited for the bus back to Farnham.
I had originally intended to pop into the shops before going home but my stomach ruled against it. I went straight home to the loo instead. By about 9pm, I was starting to feel almost normal.
And so that was my adventure today (sorry it’s so long) and one I hope no-one else I know ever has to go through. But, if anyone I know does have to go through it, please, please, PLEASE, take the sedation!!!
Of course, the best thing is that they give you a verdict straight away afterwards and I’m very pleased to announce that I am perfectly fine. So the pain was just a bug after all and I’ll live to blog another day.